Saturday, December 3, 2011

part of the fam

I would apologize for not posting in a while, but I typically try to only say I'm sorry when I'm sure I'm not going to do it again.  With that fact clearly uncertain, I'll just say - I'm back!

A couple weeks ago I went to a volcano with my friend Lauren (girl I went to high school with who married a Costa Rican and now lives here) and her husband, Gerardo.  The volcano is called Poas and it is about an hour and a half by car outside of San Jose.  Visiting this volcano, and most others in Costa Rica, is like playing the lottery for two reasons.  1)  Most volcanos in Costa Rica are active so there is a chance that when you visit the park might be closed because high activity level has been detected, or 2)  You actually get in the park but the fog and smoke from the volcano has completely masked the summit to a point where you can barely see the person next to you much less thousands of feet to the bottom of a crater.  Nevertheless, we took our chances and drove to the national park.  The drive to the volcano was, for me, almost as impressive as the volcano itself.  The windy road led past quaint dairy farms contrasted with oversized coffee fields consuming hills of countryside, views of the whole central valley quietly tucked in under sheets of fog and clouds, lit-up huts full of strawberry-selling street vendors, and three table restaurants called "sodas" complete with coffee-craving workers taking their early morning break.






When we arrived at the park entrance, Gerardo (we call him Gee because it's much less taxing on the English tongue) told us to sit quietly while he spoke to the park ranger; he was attempting to get us the local deal instead of the over-priced tourist one.  He introduced himself, his wife, and the friend (me), using as many Costa Rican, or "Tico," colloquialisms as he knew.  I looked out the other side of the window the whole time hoping the cashier wouldn't pay too much attention to my blue eyes or well-freckled white skin.  We saved about $20.

The walk to the summit of the volcano is actually pretty short considering you drive up most of the volcano.  When we got to the top, there was a lookout over the crater marked off by a wooden fence.  On this particular day, the fog was heavy and we could barely see five feet in front of us, much less the bottom of the crater.  At this point, I was simply looking into  what seemed like a big boiling cauldron with no depth nor clarity.  After about a half hour of waiting, we decided to take a walk to the lake nearby.  The trail to the lake was lined with gnarled, contorted, twisted trees that looked as if they had been plucked right out of the forest in "The Wizard of Oz."  The forest was lush and wet; well-watered from the many seasonal showers it had endured.  The banks of the sidewalks were drenched in moss, soaking up the thick, moist air like a Brawny paper towel - extra heavy.  The dark moisture of the air was almost tangible, like your legs had an invisible pressure to fight against every forward step they took.  If it hadn't have been broad daylight, I would have seriously considered being creeped out.



When we returned, the fog that had so greedily inhabited the crater before had been pushed far enough aside that I could now see the bottom.  I had to do a double-take before I could help my brain grasp the depth of this thing.  I've never been to the grand canyon, so I don't have that to compare it to, but let's just say if you don't feel small standing in front of and on top of an active volcano, a piece of land, an earth, that is able to produce enough force to push fiery lava out of the depths of the earth to create a hole that big, you've got one heck of an ego.  At the bottom I could see a small lake that was a strange mixture of green and yellow and blue.  From this lake came a steady stream of fog and smoke, as its temperature is well over boiling hot.  This smoke from the volcano carried with it the sulfur buried deep inside and if you had even a mediocre environmental earth teacher in high school, you know that sulfur smells horrible.  Gusts of it kept wofting up from the crater, steadfastly embracing us with its horrendous odor.  Rotten eggs.  Rotten anything.  Within minutes, the fog began to drape its thick, tortorously smelling coat back over the massive dent on the surface of the earth and we could no longer see the bottom; restoring peace to both vision and nostrils.





The smoke coming from that central point is the lake.


A few minutes later, a couple of university students hopped the fence and boldly passed the sign that clearly read, in two languages, "do not descend to the crater," and made their way to the bottom.  After seeing how far they had to go, how deep the crater was, and how actively it was producing smoke, I laughed at how eager college students are world-wide and marveled at how little it takes to convince them to do a professor's dirty work.

On our way back down the mountain, we stopped a little "soda" right on the side of the road in a small town that I'm sure didn't have a name.  Sodas here, as I explained earlier, are like really small restaurants that are typically owned by a family and many times run right out of their kitchen.  They have a couple tables, a few plastic chairs, and fantastically cooked home meals.  We ordered two "arepas" which are delicious fried bread tortilla things that you dip in a sort of cheese called "natilla."  I also tried "agua dulce" for the first time which is literally translated as sweet water.  And that's what it is.  Delicious.  We ended the trip back in Heredia where Gee and Lauren live.  We stopped outside a gorgeous old cathedral, cracked open a couple of coconuts and drank the water inside on the sidewalk.









Lauren and Gee have been fantastic friends to me my whole time here.  They have driven me around, shown me new places, cooked me dinner, introduced me to friends, and given me all the information I have ever asked for about bus schedules or good places to visit or recommended restaurants.  They make being away from home a little easier and sometimes it is not easy.




I also took another trip a couple weeks ago, but this one on a much larger scale.  I had to leave the country after 90 days of being here to renew my tourist visa for another 90 days.  I had to be out of the country for three days straight, so Stephen Deal hooked me up with another volunteer in Nicaragua living in the capital of Managua.  This other volunteer, Mike, was living with Nicaraguan family there and they offered to let me stay with them.  Mike works at the Lutheran church in Managua.  He is in charge of delegations that come to visit throughout the year.  He has signed on to work there for two years.  He started off as a volunteer in one of the delegations.  He loved it so much he came back seven more times, a few with the church and a few on his own, and finally decided to commit two years to the job.  He is from Maryland but he recently graduated from University of Florida with his bachelor's in something like international communications.  Or something.  So, I hopped a 10-hour bus ride from San Jose to Managua and set off on my way.

Day 1

My bus from San Jose left at 5am and it took about 8 hours to get to the Nicaraguan border.  I knew the point of this trip was to leave the country and get my passport stamped so I could renew it for another 90 days, but it didn't change the fact that I hate going through customs.  Always really serious people doing a really serious job in a really serious way.  No one cracks a joke as the attendant checks your stamps, no one grins widely as they slide it back across the counter to you, no one says much of anything outside of what is completely mandatory.  I also had packed a couple sandwiches for lunch and as I was filling out the entrance form to Nicaragua it wanted to know if I was bring any "fresh food" into the country.  I wasn't 100% sure what they meant by fresh.  Did processed meat count?  Just one more reason I hate customs... I always get so skiddish and fickle around goverment documents.  I want to answer as truthfully as possible in case they try to keep me out of the country.  I'm that person who is always leaning over to their neighbor on the plane asking "When they say print your information do they mean in all caps or can we use lower case?" "When they ask the purpose of this trip, does mission work count as a business stay?"  "If we're supposed to add up how much money we're bringing into the country, how much do you think my watch costs?"  Obnoxious.  To both myself and anyone around me.  So, as usual, I was kind of nervous about crossing the border and doing everything right so that in 4 days I could come back INTO the country I was now trying to leave.

This border crossing in Penas Blancas, near the Pacific coast, is in the middle of nowhere.  There is nothing around it but dirt fields and bushes.  When we got off the bus to get our passports stamped, there was a mob of Nicaraguans and Ticos waiting for us with stacks of currency - Nicaraguan cordobas, Costa Rican colones, and American dollars.  They were all yelling at us to exchange money with them before we entered the country.  When we boarded back on the bus, we drove about 20 feet down the dirt road and stopped at customs.  Here is where they checked our bags.  Before we got off the bus, the driver collected all of our passports and left first.  Let me tell you how unnerving it is to have your passport piled under about 50 others in the middle of the desert at a border patrol station in such bad condition I swear they built it in a day.  We followed after, carrying our luggage.  We didn't enter any building and there were no scanning machines set up to detect metal or other banned products.  Instead, we were directed to put our bags up on a rickety wooden table in a line and wait.  In about 30 minutes, a man came up (no uniform) and began to run his hand over the bags. He would randomly stop and unzip one, skip a few, pat a couple, and he was done.  We were all cleared.  We went back to the bus and had the driver read our passport names out loud like he was calling out attendance in a first grade classroom.  We would then come forward and board the bus - me, clutching my passport to my heart like I'd found my lost child in the supermarket.



I met a few very nice women on the bus who were coming to visit their families in Nicaragua.  Actually, most of the bus was made up of Nicaraguans living in Costa Rica coming back to visit their family.  When I arrived in Managua at the bus station I realized I didn't have service there and had to use a bus worker's cell phone to call Mike who was coming to pick me up.  I hugged all the women goodbye, some of them introduced me to their families who came to pick them up and others gave me their numbers in case the "gringo" who was supposed to pick me up didn't come.  They told me I could stay with them.  I thanked them and they left.  While I waited for Mike I had a long conversation with an old man sitting in the waiting area of the bus terminal.  He spent 30 minutes telling me about how dirty the country was and how he hoped the new president would fix it.

The day I arrived in Nicaragua was their election day for the next presidential term.  It probably wasn't the best idea arriving on such a politically charged day, but Mike assured me that if anything was going to happen, it would be after the new president was announced, not before.  Mike and his host sister picked me up at the terminal and we headed back to their house.

I met Mike's host family which consisted of his host mother, her four daughters, one son, one son-in-law, and one grandson - all living under the same roof.  Including Mike, a total of 9 - 10, including me.  It was fantastic.  The children ranged from ages 23 to 40-something.  Some with kids, some married, others not.  Teachers, students, some worked for the church, the son for a veterinarian's office.  The sisters would often joke him by asking him if he killed any dogs that day.  One of his responsibilites is to put the animals down.  Their father, the host mom's husband, died 6 years ago from cancer.  Even though it had been years, it still seemed fresh on their minds and not a topic of light conversation.  He seemed to be still very missed.  He was an architect and set the family up very well financially.  The grandson, Mathias, is about 2 years old and is paralyzed below the waist.  His mother, Gloria, didn't know she was pregnant until months into the pregnancy.  The doctors said these disabilities came from not taking the right vitamins during her first trimester.  This doesn't slow Mathias down though.  If he is left alone on a couch, he will scoot his way to the edge, drop himself on the floor with his arms, and army crawl across the floor, his legs trailing behind.  He can move too.  I have never seen a toddler move that fast - functional legs or not.  The family surrounds him with love though.  He is especially close with his mom.  He sings and makes funny faces all the time.  He is special.






The family welcomed me in that first day like I was one of them.  I think they probably get used to taking on whoever comes in their housing living with 9 people under one roof.  People are always coming in and out with new people.  It's like a restaurant.  They had set me up a room with my own bathroom.  It was even nicer than what I have going in San Jose.  I was surprised.  Especially considering the number of people they had to house.

That night, and most nights after it, after dinner we would drag chairs, tables and other furniture out to the sidewalk to sit and talk.  The streets were made of stones and reflected the streetlights well.  Days in Nicaragua are unbearably hot, but the nights are sent from summer heaven - fresh breeze, warm air.  What I liked most about Managua was the openness of it.  There were always kids playing soccer in the streets, making goals out of doorways and dodging cars like they were the defense.  Down the street you could see hundreds of people lining the streets sitting on their doorstep or propped up next to a tree on the sidewalk.  Old men playing dominos, young men playing cards.  Youth gathered around somebody's motorcyle, laughing and chasing each other in circles.  It reminded me a lot of the Dominican Republic - a country financially poor and spiritually rich.  Entertainment found in your neighbor, not in your Xbox.

Christina, Mike, and I spent the next few hours on the sidewalk, sharing soda and watching life unfold in the streets of Managua.

Day 2

The next day I woke up pretty late as most 10-hour bus rides at 5am can take a lot out of you.  That afternoon I walked across the street and saw where Mike works.  He introduced me to all his co-workers and explained to me what he does.  He told me that he essentially organizes all the trips for delegations from the US to visit the Nicaraguan Lutheran church.  This means he reserves hotel rooms, travels to the country with them, translates, etc.

That night Mike, his host mom, and I went out for dinner.  They were dying to take me to try "papusas."  Now, they explained, papusas are originally from El Salvador, but luckily a woman from there had moved to Managua and made the best papusas in town.  As many "restaurants" in Central America, this woman ran her business from her home.  Every day she takes out her plastic chairs and tables and sets them up in the sidewalk in front of the door of her house.  She ties a tarp with rope to two trees for shade and BAM! - instant restaurant.  She also cooks all her food outside using an electric stovetop and a frying pan.

Papusas are hard to explain because they sound so normal but taste so different; however, it is essentially bread/tortilla/empanada doughy material that is filled with a combination of things.  You can order a pupusa with chicken, cheese, beans, mushrooms, beef, or all of the above.  They are delicious.  We sat outside at the tables and ate them, slowly.  I was so stuffed by the end of that meal I could hardly breathe.

On the walk home Mike's host mom, a short, short woman, grabbed both of our arms and we escorted her down the street.  The buildings and houses here are extremely run down.  The paint is chipping, the wood is warped, and there is trash in most of the gutters; however, I felt very at home here.  I'm not sure what percentage of that has to do with my travel experience and what percentage has to do with the security of his host mom's arm around my waist as we walked in-sync, step by step, down the road on only the second night I had known her.  She, and so many others down here like the women from the bus or the families in El Jardin, remind me so much of my host mom in Chile.  It wasn't three hours after we arrived that she was walking with us down the street, a hand on each of our backs, calling us her "hijas" or daughters.

Many Latin Americans have told me that they consider North Americans to be "cold."  "What do you mean by cold?" I would always ask.  "Well, they just don't like to be touched, and they always want their space, and they take forever to warm up to someone."  I couldn't deny any of those accusations as I thought about my interactions with people I met for the first time.  But when I think about the culture down here, I can't deny my anger when someone behind me is standing in line and keeps pushing up against my backpack - no apologies.  Or when a woman sits down next to me on the bus and lays half of her grocery bags on my lap.  No, I don't like to be touched.  Yes, I like my space.  But if I have to take the intrusions and smotherings of strangers to walk into someone's life one night here and be considered a part of the family the next, I'll do it.  The gain of that easy, open, unassuming, non-judgemental, welcoming friendship means more than all of that.  They are a passionate people looking for, above all else, one more person to share this life with.

So, I left that night full of papusas and appreciation for a culture so different from my own - the good and the uncomfortable.

Day 3

The next day passed much like the last - I visited Mike at his work, ate lunch with his host mom, took a walk around the block with Mathias.  They had somehow acquired a wheelchair so we would often wheel Mathias around the neighborhood, trying to teach him how to use it as he will the rest of his life.  As we passed the neighbors on the street, they would always wave to Mathias and tell him what a good job he was doing.  Mothers braiding their daughters hair in their front yard would stop and applaud him.  Others would yell words of support to the mother and tell her how great it was to get him started early and allow him to be self-sufficiently mobile.  It takes a village and they were going to raise one heck of a boy.  I was moved by the interest and concern all the neighbors took in this boy's life; in this family's struggles.

That night, after dinner, the son, Ronnie, invited to take me out on his motorcyle to see the city.  I immediately agreed and we went downtown to sightsee.  He first took me to the port on the coast of Nicaragua Lake.  We walked around the dock and he showed me where the old dock used to be, under the water now as the water levels had risen so high.  He told me that the president was planning on cleaning up the lake because it was too dirty to swim in now.  He didn't seem to convinced it would happen though.  We then went to Plaza Victoria downtown where there was a massive Christmas tree made up strictly of lights.  The strings of lights were layered at different heights and their brilliant red, orange, yellow, green and blue colors gleamed off of the white poles that gave them their foundation.  In this plaza there were also about 10 different amusement park rides that the president, running for re-election, had ordered to be put in there a couple weeks before elections.  The rides were completely free and open to the public.  He had also hired bus drivers to shuttle the people back to their home for free.  Talk about bribing the voters, huh?  After that we walked up to another plaza across the street that had the national palace and an old cathedral.  It was beautiful at night lit up by the dull yellow lights.  The cathedral was closed off to the public because, as Ronnie explained it, it could collapse at any minute.  I asked him if they were going to restore it, but he looked at me funny and said "but then it wouldn't be old anymore."  I guess he had a point.  Every street corner in downtown was lit up by Christmas lights, both tacky and elegant.

We also visited a memorial for the Sandinista party, the party who had won the elections a few days before.  Now, there is some explaining to do about the politics of Nicaragua... Nicaragua claims to be a democracy.  They have an executive, legislative, and judicial branch just like us.  Under the constitution of Nicaragua it states that a president´s term is one single non-renewable term of 5 years; however, the president who won the election on Sunday, the day I arrived, will be serving his third term.  He served first from 1985 - 1990.  Then from 2006 to 2011.  He will now serve again from 2011 to 2016.

I don´t know how you just bypass a constitutional law and I can´t imagine how our country would react to such blatant disregard.  The ironic thing about this is Ortega, the president, was part of the revolution in 1979 in Nicaragua to break free from a dictatorship and he is now about to serve 15 years as president.

It was hard to understand because Ortega won by 65% of the votes.  People celebrated in the streets the entire week I was there - waving flags on the side of the road, parties into the middle of the night, wearing Ortega t-shirts every day.  But then there were also riots and fights between supporters of each party, the other claiming that Ortega corrupted the election and won unfairly.  Most people I met and saw seemed pleased with the results, but there was a part of me that wondered if they didn´t mind being blinded by the dazzle of free amusement parks and shuttle services.  I wondered if they weren´t as invested in future of the country as the here and now.  As an outsider, I only hope Ortega has more plans to improve that beautiful country of Nicaragua than carnival rides.









We got home safely that night, but not before Ronnie showed me how to drive his motorcycle on a vacant side road.  I'm a quick learner, who wore a helmet the whole time, Mom and Dad.

Day 4

My last full day in Managua, Mike told me he was going to take me to a lagoon.  It sounded so tropical and Hawaii-ish that I was up at the crack of dawn getting ready for the day.  We got one of the drivers from the church to take us in an old pick-up truck.  The lagoon was in a town called Masaya, about 45 minutes outside of Managua.  We went to a private access location through a hostel called "The Monkey Hut."  When we passed through the lobby, we walked out and this greeted us:



It was gorgeous.  Mike told me that this used to be a volcano but since it became dormant years ago, the crater filled up with water and was now a lagoon, or Lake Masaya officially.  We spent the entire day lying in hammocks, floating in intertubes, diving off docks, and soaking up the sun.  It was relaxing to say the least.












We ate lunch and had a riveting conversation with the driver about whose "gallo pinto" was better - Costa Rica's or Nicaragua's.  Remember, gallo pinto is the meal made up of rice and beans that EVERYONE eats for EVERY meal both in Costa Rica and Nicaragua.  I hesitated to answer, and the driver, Jose, immediately reminded me where I was.  I smiled and said "Nicaragua's for sure."  He seemed pleased with my response, disregarding completely manipulative tactic he took to get that answer.  Rivalry between Nicaragua and Costa Rica is an understatement.

As I've told you before, there are many Nicaraguans, both documented and undocumented, living in Costa Rica.  Many move there for more job opportunities, better standard of living, etc.  This, nevertheless, generates tension between the two nationalities and this rivalry is extremely evident in both countries.  From my limited time in Nicaragua, I would say that they feel underestimated, judged, and unvalued by Costa Ricans.  I think Costa Ricans feel taken advantage of, robbed, and entitled to a country, government, and resources that they feel are for their use only.  I refuse to make any political statement about this situation, only to say that as an outsider, this is what the animosity was centered around to me.

The day was a peaceful day though and I returned sun burnt and tired.

That night Mike took me to the youth meeting at the church across the street.  They opened it up with a bible study in which the leader, Mike's boss, talked to the youth about the Protestant Reformation and what that means for us as Lutherans today.  This woman, the leader, was somewhat of a fireball.  She treated bible study like an army drill and pelted the students with questions, refusing to move on to another student until she got an answer from the first.  One time we literally waited for over 3 minutes for a girl to respond, and trust me, 3 minutes is a LONG time to wait in a class.  I wish she would have said anything.  The youth obviously respected the leader though and she demanded their attention.  She had rules and she intended to enforce them.  The students knew exactly what was expected of them and did their best to deliver.  At the end of the service they sang some songs and then ate pizza.  It was a nice way to end the trip.

Day 5

11-hour return to San Jose.  Arrived exhausted.  Caught a cold from everyone in the house.  Worth it.

Monday, November 14, 2011

You are mine.

A couple weeks ago I went to a Halloween party.  Halloween is to Costa Rica as "Cinco de Mayo" is to the United States.  Kind of one of those half-celebrated holidays adopted for the sake of partying.  Not everyone acknowledges Halloween in Costa Rica.  There's probably a solid 60/40 who do.  Vendors sell witch hats bedazzled with bling-bling spiders on street corners but you won't find houses lit up by carved pumpkins or littered with artificial cobwebs.  Some Costa Ricans disagree with celebrating Halloween claiming that it is a "gringo" holiday and not theirs.  They protest the invasion of American culture into their own and try to resist its influence.  There is even a festival that was started in a town outside of San Jose to counter the rising popularity of Halloween here.  This festival has a parade in which traditional Costa Rican masks are worn and displayed as people walk through the streets.  Thankfully my friends in Costa Rica are the ones who do celebrate Halloween and I didn't have to miss it this year.

So, as you know, I live with four Germans - two girls and two boys.  We were all sitting around the table after dinner a few nights before the Halloween party and trying to think of costumes.  Originally fending for myself and racking my brain for ideas, I had a stroke of genius and started hunting down a group costume.  I then decided on:  Scooby Doo and his gang.  If you knew my roommates, you would know how eerily similar they are to these characters in demeanor and physical attributes.  Ironically enough, only one of the Germans had ever seen Scooby Doo, and it had been the movie - not even the cartoon.  Throughout the entire night, each one of them kept coming up to me and asking "Now, what's my name?"  "Who am I?"  "What am I like?"  After they got their alibis down, they played the parts fantastically - mainly because they only really needed to play themselves.  I elected myself to be Scooby Doo.  I'll refrain from commenting on how well I played my part because I feel it could be both self-promoting and incriminating at the same time.



SCOOBY DOO CREW PROFILES:

Martin played Fred.  The blonde hair, blue eyes, and tall/athletic build fit him perfectly.  Fred is more or less the leader of the group - makes decisions, comes up with the ideas, and motivates others to do it.  Martin is the same way.  He's always the one suggesting a short trip to the beach or setting alarms so we can start dinner on time.  Fred also has a way of thinking he's always right and Martin does too... haha.



Nadine played Daphne.  Daphne is generally the pretty one of the group - Fred's right hand girl.  She is smart, popular, and beautiful.  Nadine is all of the above and at times the reason we go out at all.  It rains a lot here and it's tempting to stay in sometimes, but Nadine is always running around the house in her dress and heels henning us around like chicks ordering us to get ready.  You can't hide from her.



Tobi played Shaggy.  He is equally as goofy as Shaggy and has the impressive ability to each as much as him as well.  Tobi probably eats as much as the rest of us put together, seeing as how is eating speed is as shocking as his quantity.




Anja (pronounced Anya) played Velma.  Both are more or less the brains of the group.  Smart, sarcastic, and well aware of it.  Anja already wore glasses which made the costume easy to manage.  Slapped her on a pair of Tobi's knee-high soccer socks and we were good to go.



I played Scooby Doo.




My last day working in El Jardin was October 31st.  I arrived on Sunday night like normal and stayed at Hazel's house.  After our short trip to their property the week before, I had managed to rub up against some poison ivy that gave me a large rash around my ankle.  I can't remember even one complete year of my life that I haven't got poison ivy so the novelty of it has well worn off; however, the mixture of poison ivy and mosquitoes that night was close to unbearable.  Regardless, the next morning I woke up for my last day of work in the school.  As is routine, Marilin and I left the house at 6:30 to walk across the street and wait on Windy, a girl in the first grade class.  After Marilin calls Windy's name at the top of her lungs about five times, Windy always rushes to the door with her eyes all wide and busy as she continually seems to be surprised when we arrive at her house on the same day at the same time every week.  About the time Marilin and I get done rolling our eyes and sighing audibly at her, she is hopping out the door on one foot, trying to slip the other shoe on while dodging the mud puddles that have come to comprise the walkway up to her house after the increase in rain in the last month.  We then set off down the gravel road to the school passing house by house and slowly accumluating a large amoeba of children making their way to school.

By the time I get to Jahayda's house, where the church is, she and Hector are always waiting for me at the gate.  If they're not there, it means they thought I already passed by and went running to school to find me.  They then see me walking towards them and, at first walking, slowly break out into full sprints to greet me.  Jahayda and I each take a strap of her bookbag and swing it between us while Hector walks circles around us and laughing every time we throw it into the air and I catch it.

I always teach the second grade class first in the morning at 7am.  I was sitting outside of the classroom door with the kids when 7:15 rolled around and still no one had unlocked the door for me.  When I asked the principal what was going on, he told me that the janitor, who is pregnant, wasn't feeling well today and was the only one with a key to the room... and she had accidentally taken it home.  So, he herded the kids and me into the new classroom that is being constructed.  The kids were excited about a new setting and I would have been as well had the classroom had anything remotely like a chalkboard.  Since these schools do not have a lot of technology like projectors, etc. I base most of my lesson plans on using the chalkboards.  Since there wasn't one, I had to makeshift one using white paper, my notebook and markers.  I wrote on the paper and circled around the room both as slowly and quickly as I could so every student could copy the notes.  Naturally, with every step I took away from one student and towards another, choruses of "Wait," "Hold on," "Turn around," "I'm not done," "What was the last word?," "I can't draw that," would echo through the room as the harmony of "Finally," "Right there," "That's good," "Thanks," "One more second," accompanied it.  Welcome to rural Costa Rica.

Rumors that it was my last day spread throughout the school and students boldly cornered me to verify.  When I confirmed it, I got nods of understanding.  Looks of disappointment.  Shrugs of indifference.  Misty eyes.  Pleas to not leave.  Goodbye hugs.  The kitchen sink of farewells.  I've been trying to write this blog for two weeks now and I still don't know what to say about it.  It still hurts.












After school that day I went to the church and spent the evening at the church with Jahayda's family.  We took our usual positions in the kitchen/dining room/living room and ate dinner together.  Maria, Jahayda's mom, kept staring at me.  I'll never know for sure, but I think she was trying to figure out why she cared that I was leaving.  Trying to replay how I had managed to make her love me against her best efforts.  After dinner, the kids and I went to the Sunday School room across from the church and played cards the rest of the night.  We played the game "Tonto" which means "stupid" where the person who has the last card at the end of the game is called "tonto."   We played a Nicaraguan game called "Casino" that's filled with a bunch of adding.  The kids brought their stuffed animals outside so we had a photo op with them.  Everything passed just as normal.  No one said a word about it being my last night and we just played like we always did.  That night I had to stay at Hazel's house again because Pastor Nehemias took the keys back to San Jose to make copies so I couldn't spend the night in the church.  When I went back to the house to gather my stuff, I kissed Maria on the cheek and told her I'd see her soon.  I said goodbye to her husband, Camilo (the oldest son), and Sadie (the youngest daughter).  When I turned to Hector, I put my hand on his head and he threw it off and glared at me as if I had broken his favorite toy in half, threw it in a puddle of mud and laughed at him.  I asked him what was wrong but he just threw himself on the bench in the kitchen, crossed his arms, and pierced me with his eyes.  I told him I loved him and then looked for Jahayda.  I found her behind the other side of the wall in a tornado of sniffles and tears.  I finally convinced her to come outside with me.  I asked her if she was crying because I was leaving and she nodded, though she wouldn't look at me.  She had both hands over her face and kept them there like they were super glued.  I tugged at them a bit but her sobbing made her embarassed and she couldn't muster up the courage to meet my eyes.  I told her over and over that I was coming back to visit, that she didn't need to cry, that I loved her, that I would see her soon.  None of it seemed to affect her.  Finally, I asked her, "Jahayda, do you believe me?  Do you believe I'll come back to visit you?"  She shook her head no and sunk to her knees as she knelt between my legs.  She flung her head on my leg and wrapped her arms around herself.  She broke my heart.  "Jahayda," I said.  "I promise you I will come back to see you.  I promise.  Do you believe me?"  She nodded yes faintly.  Her mother called from the house and told her she better let me go as it was about to rain and I had to walk back to Hazel's.  I hugged Jahayda and hoped she could feel everything I felt in my heart for her.  I kissed her head.  Rubbed her back.  And I left.  It still hurts.








In El Jardin, stray dogs and cats are as easy to come by as banana trees.  And that's a lot.  So, many people establish ownership of a pet simply if it continues to come to their house.  After a while if it is around long enough, the family with throw it bones, feed it leftovers (though there is never much).  Then they'll give it a name and eventually it is theirs.  They just kind of claim it.  No collar, no tags, no shots, no papers.  It's just theirs.  Jahayda's family had a few animals such as this and one was a small dog.  To be fair, it was more of a mid-sized dog, but given the sparcity of food, it was a skinny little thing comprised of shaggy hair and bones.  Jahayda had named it "muneco" which means "doll" (don't ask me...) and it was always wandering the garden property.  I had taken a liking to this dog because of its gentle demeanor and a general overwhelming feeling of pity I had for the thing.  I always threw it pieces of meat when I had the chance (or found the meat unidentifiable and therefore inedible).  Over time, the family began to refer to the dog as mine.  "Nicole, your dog smells terrible,"  "What is on your dog's face?"  "Tell your dog to stop begging."  One afternoon, Jahayda and I were taking a walk to her aunt's house.  The dog was following us and, looking back at the mut, she asked me "Why don't you take your dog to San Jose with you?"  Instead of describing how difficult it would be to take care of a dog while I travel and work so much, on top of all the legal documents I would have to fill out to keep it and the financial responsibility of it all, I decided to simply respond "Well, it's not really my dog.  It's your family's dog."  She then looked up at me and said "No, he was our dog.  But you love him.  So he's yours."

It was such a simple logic.  A basic mathematic formula.  But for some reason it sat down in my heart and dwelled there for weeks.  I began thinking about ownership and what if all ownership in life was contingent on your love for that thing.  The idea that love gives you the right to something.  If you have the purest of intentions for a person, they are yours.  Forever.  This means holding onto them when they need you and letting go of them when they don't want you.  Loving them.  Love them and they are yours forever.

The night in the garden, with Jahayda sobbing on my pant leg as I rubbed her back and made her promises, this memory came back to me.  And I just thought over and over.  "Jahayda, you are mine forever.  You are mine forever.  I love you, and you are mine."

Sometimes when I think of the word "mine" I think of ownership and possession, even slavery.  I think of it in a negative context and I am resistant to the idea.  I think back to the bra-burning days and I mumble to myself, "No one owns me.  I am free."  But, when I think longer about it, I realize that in the end, I want to be somebody's.  I want to be someone's wife.  I want to belong to someone.  And I want that relationship to be built out of love.  I want to be owned because I am irreversibly loved.

I think this is the kind of possession God was talking about when He said to us "Don't be afraid, for I have redeemed you.  I have you called you by your name.  You are mine."  Or like that story with King Solomon when the two women came to him claiming they were the mother of the same baby.  He told them that to fix the problem he would cut the baby in half and give them each a piece of him.  One woman agreed to the deal, but the true mother of the child said no.  She told the other woman she could have the baby as long as it wasn't harmed.  And that's how King Solomon knew she was the true mother.  Possession determined by love.

You are mine.  You are mine.  You are mine.  There is something comforting about that ownership.  That belonging.  That claim.  I am His.  I am His.  I am His.

Somehow, Jahayda figured all that out long before me.  How love trumps ownership and even givers the rights to it.  We are His because we are loved.  I am my parents because they love me.  Jahayda is mine because I love her.  Nothing can change it, only you.  Only your love or your indifference.  God says that we are His.  We are His because He loves us.  And He promised He would love us until the end of time.  Forever.  We are forever His.  No matter what we do, no matter what we say, no matter what we think we know.  No matter who we think we are, no matter where we go, no matter no matter.  Take comfort in the fact that...

You are His.  You are His.  You are His.